And I Remembered Why I Loved Her, And I Asked Her Why I Drove Her Off
by mojo shivers
Of all spirits, none is charming as she
Whose words seem to flow like a running stream;
Sound the sound of the grandest symphony;
Or inspire this poet's most inspired dream.
Of all spirits, none is unique as she
Whose laugh makes the Heavenly angels smile;
Whose energy soars, overpowering me;
Whose life does from mine such clear joy beguile.
Of all spirits, none is kindred as she
Whose total charm makes my dim spirit bright;
Whose uniqueness marks her as lovely;
Whose very being takes souls to such heights.
And were I one to be one to compare
She would ever remain fairest of fair.
Much has been written in this site of people I have loved and lost in my life. There was Jennifer, a friend who died before her time, and there was both of my exes, both of whom I miss very deeply. And then there was Jina, the girl who I still to this day call my kindred spirit. Her loss and the loss of her company shall ever be my largest regret.
I had a thought today about what my life would be like if she and I were still friends, if things hadn't turned out the way they turned out. Chalk it up to my "what if?" premise of my novel, but thoughts like this always surround me when I'm feeling especially melancholy. And attribute it to the gloomy weather or post-holiday depression, but today I was thinking about how different my life could have been had I just stuck around instead of reacting the way I did. I'm not saying I was wrong to try to push things between us to the next level, but when she said that that was not what she had in mind for us I should have not acted like a spoiled brat and thrown a hissy fit. How idiotic am I? Here's this person that understands me and has taken the time to know me and I throw it all away because she does not share my ideas for the future. I handled things badly and I deserve to be punished, but I never thought the punishment for being proud and arrogant would ever hurt this badly. I'm like one of those criminals who think that rewards far outweigh the risks, except in my case it's taken about ten years to fully realize just how awful this feeling of regret can really be. Not a day goes by that I don't ask myself how I could have done things differently or how I could fix things now. The only disappointing aspect of asking myself those questions is that I have no easy answers. The only thing I have left are the letters and pictures of a friendship long since laid to rest.
I only have myself to blame.
I imagine if we were friends today we'd be having some fine adventures today. I always could talk to her about the finer things in life. Here was a girl that was reading The Diary of Anne Frank in first grade, played five instruments, and couldn't find the major she wanted at her university so she designed a brand new one that is still being offered as a major to this day. She was a girl I could play Big Two fourteen hours straight with. She was a girl I could go miniature golfing with and hiking with. She was a girl who I exchanged 70-page letters with. She was pretty much the definition of culture and grace. I've always said that if one person was ever to be my "Amy" she'd be it. She'd be the girl that everyone else has to measure up to. She'd be the girl that everyone has to be compared to. She was the one that got away.