No Modern Person Here Remembers You, And We Can't Identify The Enemy, And It Could Be You, So It'll Cost You
"Very funny, guys. Whoever fucking took my dessert give it back now," I announced as I looked into the Yoshinoya bag where my chocolate cake wasn't.
The crestfallen look on my face bespoke the validity of my ire. It was one thing to joke about taking my favorite part of the meal, but the thought of one of them doing so seemed especially cruel. What's more, whoever had slipped out of the bag refused to speak up just then even though I had given a sufficient pause in the conversation to allow the guilty party to confess. Amid the snickers, chuckles, and half-hidden smiles, a few felt my pain. I don't know--it had become a running joke in the office that mojo shivers does not share his dessert under any circumstances. Of course, this had led to the constant threats to the sanctity of the assorted cakes, candy bars, and other various sweets which constituted my after-meal dining. But it had also led to some parties, like Jennifer, honestly feeling concern for my well-being.
"Whoever has it just give it back now."
I sat down at my desk nonchalantly after it was clear no one was planning to step forward. If they wanted to play games with me, well, then the would see how a master trickster operates.
In between bites, I managed to get out, "I figure it had to be one of three people. One, it could have been Jennifer since she was one of the two other people in the car, but I don't think she has the heart to do something like this. Two, it could have been Albert since he's always been the one to threaten to steal my dessert away from me. Not to mention his desk is right next to mine so he would have had plenty access to the paper bag with my dessert in it. But I think it had to have been Jeff since he was in the car with me and handled the bags at various time. Of course, that's just a guess."
This time it was Jeff's turn to protest. He was always professing what a good, decent guy he was at heart. That didn't stop him, however, from chiming in with Albert whenever it came to taunting me about my weakness for chocolate cake. He shook his head and told the whole group that he hadn't done it, that he would never do something like that, and how he couldn't believe I could accuse him like that.
For good measure I took a stroll around the desks and checked in my cake was on any desk top or in plain sight. But the culprit was too smart for that. Whoever had done it had it locked away from wherever somebody might think to look for it.
"If you say so. But whoever it is, all I can say is that they better give it back before I finish my teriyaki chicken or else you'll see me pissed as you've never seen pissed before."
I continued to eat my meal while the accusations and pleas to just give it back to me begin to fly slowly among the group. I would have chimed in too if it hadn't been happening to me. At various times during the meal I tried to listen intently to see if anyone was any closer to deducing who among the party assembled had actually absconded with my precious commodity. I watched us amateur detectives retrace the path of the bag from the drive-through window, to in my car, to inside the building, to my desk. Who touched it, who walked by it, who seemed especially coy about handling his food--all these various people pored over to get me back the chocolate cake that had now been missing for a good twenty minutes. Yet at the end of my meal no one was any closer to deciphering who the culprit was.
"I still have my bet on Jeff," I said.
"It has to be," someone else said. Albert had even gone through the trouble of opening every drawer and showing every possible nook and cranny on his desk so I had eliminated him as a suspect.
For a moment, there was a thought it could have been Elio but, because he had never actually handled the food since he hadn't ordered with us, he was eliminated as the thief. That didn't mean he couldn't have been hiding it for whoever had actually done the deed, but the chain of evil had not originated with him.
I stood up, took one look around to see if I could see the cake from my vantage, but I still could not see it from where it stood. I sat back down, again anger showing in every pore on my face, while I waited for the cake to show up.
And that's when the guilty party finally revealed himself and how the whole thing had gone down.
why must you try to ruin my peace of mind?
As I pulled the slice of chocolate cake from behind the back of my computer where no one could see it, I explained myself. The collective gasp and shocked faces among the collective was priceless.
"I took it out when no one was looking and then acted like somebody else had done it. After all, the best way to prevent someone stealing something from you is to steal it yourself," I smiled coyly. "That way no one even thinks to try." I ate my dessert in a state of perfect bliss, content that I had fooled everyone.
P.S. - See you all after Boston!