I Am Softer Than My Face Would Suggest, At Times Like These I'm At My Lowest Ebb, Now I Can Confide In You

--"Happy New Year", Camera Obscura

I know it's not the manly thing to announce, but I have a tendency to tear up with more ease than your average individual. Do not mistake me, I am not prone to spontaneous crying jags at the sight of a plastic paper bag being blown in the wind. Nor do I particularly seek out painful and heart-wrenching bouts of personal torment all for the sake of making myself feel worse. But it is my belief there is an honesty in exploring oneself at one's worse than at their best. I've noticed the correlation between how I am feeling and how well I am writing. Often times my best writing is preceded by a particularly emotional memory or event. Conversely, I've noticed that I suffer writer's block only in those instances where I am too delirously happy to think straight. Call me sensitive, call me weak, but I tend to cry when somebody else wouldn't.

The strange fact is the bulk of the time it stems from an experience that doesn't even involve me. I can read something that is sweet or romantic and it'll honestly make my eyes watery. Or I can hear a melancholy lyric and start reflecting how it may apply to my life which, again, gets the waterworks flowing. Or I can see someting on the big or small screen and I'll have to hide my head behind a pillow because it's just gotten to me. Avonlea was the worst offender of the bunch. There were key episodes and scenes from that show where I would be reduced to a blubbering idiot. Like Trent says, "it wasn't so much for what was going on, but [I] had my own thing going on." Nonetheless, whenever that show came on I came to expect to be depressed at times out of my skull. For instance, there is a scene that I'll never forget from that show where Sara's telling Davey about how Davey's parents are up in Heaven waiting for him and his sister, where she starts softly crying. It plays on three levels. One level is the fact that Sara, the character, is feeling sad for Davey because he doesn't understand that his parents dying means he can't see them right now. He thinks that, if he gets a tall enough ladder, he'll be able to climb up there to see them. The second level is that Sara, again, the character, lost her own mom in childbirth so she is sad that the only way she'll ever get to know her is when she sees her up in Heaven herself. The third level is the most intriguing. It's the fact that Sarah Polley, the actress who played Sara on the show, lost her own mother to cancer only weeks before that scene was shot. It's a testament to Sarah Polley's acting skills that the audience is able to catch a glimpse of her playing three levels in this scene. I even read that even after they yelled cut on the scene, Miss Polley continued to cry for a good ten minutes after--so wrapped in the scene was she. I think it remains the single greatest display of crying ever filmed. Hell, even a song from that show causes me fits. To this day, that show's theme song remains the only theme song besides "The Theme From The Incredible Hulk" that makes me tear up on hearing the first few notes. As such, I've made it a rule never to play that song unless I'm actually viewing an episode.

Or writing a post on what makes me cry...



if I cry to set the mood oh please could you cry too

I also possess a weird, some might say, fetish when it comes to crying and beauty. I believe that any woman is at her most resplendent fresh after crying. I don't know if it's the color to their cheeks, the brightness to their eyes, or merely the overall effect of the tenderness intertwined with the unmistakable display of emotion that does it for me. All I know is that I never feel more in love with someone than when I'm either consoling them or apologizing for something I've done to cause them to cry. It's the notion that they're not afraid to show their fragility and how passionate they are about what they feel that endears them to me.

I just never understood the taboo about crying in public. It'd be one thing if we were all walking around, simpering like idiots all the time. But I think, if the situation warrants it, crying should be encouraged. I mean--when we encounter a funny situation, do we not laugh? Or if we encounter something scary, is it not our immediate reaction to startle? Why can't someone's first instinct be to cry if they are honestly touched by sadness or tragedy? It really boggles my mind that we're always told to hide behind our courage. I think it is possible to be strong and brave, and half a million other commendable qualities, and still be able to let people know that you're hurting. It doesn't necessarily mean you're begging for consolation or guidance. It doesn't mean you are incapable of handling your problems discretely. All it means is you're human.

Frankly, I think it's our ability to feel to such a degree that we do cry that differentiates us from mere beasts. Yes, other animals experience sadness, but no one creature was ever made to suffer like mankind.

Especially after watching Avonlea.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers