--"This Heart Is a Stone", Acid House Kings
Sometimes it feels like I live my life in solitude, that, instead of being social like all my friends are, I prefer to not get involved in life beyond my four walls. It's true, I have a certain respect for being alone with my own thoughts without the distractions other people seem to surround themselves with. But it is also true that it has led to my contemplating that, for all my talk about changing my life around and being more like Rachel, I still prefer to look out for myself before anybody else.
Other times like this week, I realize that, even though I don't go out and change the world, I am capable of doing small things to brighten up my friends' day or get them through a rough patch without ever leaving home. I've rediscovered a talent Sonja once said I should take more advantage of, a talent for being able to listen and offer advice that doesn't seem preachy or self-righteous. I rather enjoy knowing that my experiences can help people through similar heartaches.
That's when I realize I'm doing some good.
----from the last few days...
Miss Flib (5:53:36 PM): MOTHERFUCKERRRR
Miss Flib (5:53:37 PM): not you
Miss Flib (5:53:38 PM): haha sorry
Miss Flib (5:53:46 PM): im just kind of angry right now about stupid shit
Miss Flib (5:54:01 PM): because i worked real hard to avoid drama and it turns out in avoiding it im about to run right into it
Mojo Shivers (6:54:15 PM): I'm sorry. Well, fuck them too, whoever they are....
Miss Flib (5:54:25 PM): yeah seriously!
Miss Flib (5:54:38 PM): ill do whatever the fuck i want and see a fucking show in any fucking city i want and like whatever fucking bands i want to!
Miss Flib (5:54:46 PM): and if im drunk or on acid who fucking cares
Miss Flib (5:54:51 PM): no one has any right to judge!
Mojo Shivers (6:55:12 PM): Pretty much. That's what I've always thought.
Mojo Shivers (6:55:33 PM): You have a choice to be friends with anyone. If they can't take who you are as a person, that's their problem. Not yours.
Miss Flib (5:55:31 PM): RIGHT!
Miss Flib (5:55:34 PM): its not a friend
Miss Flib (5:55:35 PM): its my ex
Miss Flib (5:55:37 PM): hahaha
Mojo Shivers (6:56:06 PM): Well, then don't give two shits what he thinks. There's a reason you're not together, right?
Miss Flib (5:56:15 PM): right on my man, right on.
Mojo Shivers (6:56:40 PM): Life's too short to have a hang-ups.
Miss Flib (5:56:37 PM): haha i feel stupid. i thought i was going to a concert
friday before i found out i had to go to palm springs and i forgot to take it off my last.fm.
Mojo Shivers (6:56:59 PM): I saw that, actually.
Miss Flib (5:57:52 PM): hahaha yeah i forgot to 'cancel attendance'
Miss Flib (5:57:56 PM): i went to the show last night though
Miss Flib (5:58:05 PM): the rest im not accidentlaly lying about
Mojo Shivers (6:58:29 PM): I still don't know how to take off the shows I went to already.
Miss Flib (5:58:39 PM): they go away automatically
Miss Flib (5:58:40 PM): you cant
Mojo Shivers (6:59:08 PM): Gotcha.
Mojo Shivers (7:00:50 PM): So if you're going to that wedding this weekend, is there a day you're free to meet up to work on the story?
Miss Flib (6:01:11 PM): im not going to the party
Miss Flib (6:01:28 PM): the actual wedding is spring break
Miss Flib (6:01:41 PM): the shower was supposed to be this next weekend or i dont know exactly when
Mojo Shivers (7:02:12 PM): So we should meet up this weekend sometime.
Miss Flib (6:02:31 PM): thats what i was thinking
Mojo Shivers (7:03:04 PM): I have Stephen Lynch on Friday, but Saturday and Sunday are open.
Miss Flib (6:04:01 PM): probably sunday because i have to go back to palm springs
Miss Flib (6:04:17 PM): i hardly see my grandparents so i kind of have to do my family duty and go as much as possible
Mojo Shivers (7:05:09 PM): That's cool. I have some other ideas. Not really ideas, but scenes we could work in.
Miss Flib (6:05:58 PM): those are ideas!
Miss Flib (6:05:58 PM): haha
Mojo Shivers (7:07:24 PM): I have no idea what they're going to say.
My big thoughts were that the son needs to hang up once during the conversation... and then decide to call back like a minute later for some reason.
And two the father needs to mention that he came to see the son once after he left, but he didn't have the heart to actually talk to him.
Mojo Shivers (7:07:37 PM): Like I said, not real ideas... just things I'd want to see.
Miss Flib (6:07:34 PM): yeah those seem pretty perfect
Mojo Shivers (7:08:47 PM): Actually, what you mentioned about your ex kind of fits the theme about our geisha/john story. It's sort of how he can't deal with what she is even though what she is is what he fell in love with in the first place.
Miss Flib (6:09:10 PM): woah
Miss Flib (6:09:15 PM): thats deep.
Miss Flib (6:09:27 PM): its true though. i mean ive changed a lot, yes, but not the essentials of me.
Mojo Shivers (7:10:11 PM): What can I say? I'm just that damn good.
It's like that quote I sent you. People always want other people to understand them completely. But once they do, they resent the fact the other person knows them so well.
Miss Flib (6:10:24 PM): too true.
Miss Flib (6:10:31 PM): he really resented that i knew him really well
Miss Flib (6:10:41 PM): and he thinks hes so hard to figure out yet everyone has him figured out
Miss Flib (6:10:53 PM): i dont really care if people have me figured out...i dont need to be all ehhh yeah im too cool.
Mojo Shivers (7:11:43 PM): Like you, I don't know how close we are, but there's nothing you've told me or I've gotten to know about you that would ever make me think less of you. I think that's the attitude you have to have with people you associate with.
Otherwise, you need to walk away. Why go through the hassle of being friends with someone who only causes you grief?
Miss Flib (6:12:15 PM): id say were pretty close. dont think i tell everyone some of the things i tell you!
Miss Flib (6:12:17 PM): yah
Miss Flib (6:12:19 PM): yeah
Mojo Shivers (7:13:30 PM): That's what I thought too. But it's like I've had people who've told me things that changed my opinion about them.
With you? I've always thought you were good people. And the more I've gotten to know you it really hasn't changed at all.
I think you're the first person I can say that about.
Miss Flib (6:13:57 PM): that makes me feel really good
Miss Flib (6:15:23 PM): what i can say about you that i really like is you dont go through a lot of the phases a lot of my friends do. i mean i know youre older and kind of done with that but i like the fact you know who you are (well you appear to) and youre just you.
Mojo Shivers (7:17:23 PM): You should. People have enough stress in their life not to hear that they matter to some people.
It's like I said in a message I sent to my friend. I think I'd only go to like a handful of people's funerals that I know. You'd be one of those people.
Well, it's also that I always seem to be friends with people who are more out there and extroverted, and yet I always eventually ended up being jealous or angry about how they lived their life. You're like my second chance to change my attitude about all that. It's like before I thought you had to live your life exactly like mine to be worth something, but now I see how you live has a lot of plusses too.
Miss Flib (6:18:48 PM): aww well i hope you dont have to attend my funeral any time soon but if you did i hope youd write a eulogy seeing as how the other one you wrote was pretty great.
Miss Flib (6:18:57 PM): haha i dont know im still young...im not sure exactly how im living life
Miss Flib (6:19:06 PM): i just kind of do what i want and take care of what i need to
Miss Flib (6:19:17 PM): and if doing what i need to gets in the way of what i want...oh well.
Mojo Shivers (7:20:35 PM): You read it? I didn't think you read it.
Exactly. You're a lot more open to possibilities then I was a few years ago. That's a good thing. In fact, it's a great thing. That's why I think I like you. Because you have a fearless attitude of saying or doing what you want... and yet you have the caring and friendly heart to go with it. It's a rare and beautiful combination.
Miss Flib (6:21:22 PM): aww im saving this conversation...it feels really good.
Mojo Shivers (7:22:12 PM): It just sounded like you needed a pick me up. And what's a #1 fan for than to point out what's good and decent about their object of attention? LOL
Miss Flib (6:22:50 PM): i think we have a good combo. youre pretty grounded and havent changed much since ive known you (in a good way). what i mean by that is youre just you and yeah youve become more open but youre still you and i like having a friend whos like that...its comforting.
Mojo Shivers (7:23:26 PM): Who doesn't go through all the drama and phases, right? That's me. lol
Miss Flib (6:24:04 PM): hahaha yeah well phases are good to help you find new things
Miss Flib (6:24:16 PM): i have to go...dinner time!
Mojo Shivers (7:24:33 PM): Night, Miss Flib!
Mojo Shivers (7:24:40 PM): I'm saving this convo too.
Miss Flib (6:24:32 PM): thanks for the pick me up. i was really stressing about stupid things and just feeling kind of down.
Mojo Shivers (7:24:53 PM): Glad I could help.
You think to yourself all siblings get into fights. Convince yourself it's okay. You tell him that you're done. You can't take any more. And he still continues to wail on you. He pushes you. Hard. Against the wall with the exposed nail because he knows it's there and you're too young and too small to fight back against him.
Tears. And trying not to scream. Then more tears.
And he pushes you again.
You're tougher than this.
But sometimes you're not.
Sometimes you're just small and young and you really don't understand why he has to hurt you this much. You think it's normal. That everyone's family settles arguments so violently. You think it's what every older brother does.
But sometimes it's not.
Sometimes you're just unlucky to have a brother who's cruel and who won't outgrow his cruelty for many years yet.
All you can do is just wait the weeks and months until he gets angry again. Unable to tattle. Unable to believe it's him. Unable to figure out how to make it stop.
And little by little, you learn to care less and less.
It's one thing when the monsters are outside your front door.
What do you do when the monster's bedroom is right down the hall?
Every household has some strife in it. Brothers and sisters will always fight with one another because any time you have two people living under the same roof disagreements will happen. Also, because of the relative immaturity, lack of understanding, and lack of experience, children aren’t often equipped to settle these differences peaceably. Quite often they do lead to fights. I fought my brother when I was younger. My cousin fought his brother. It always happens.
However, that doesn’t excuse or make up for what happened to you. Certain people are just cruel, like you said. You’re not the only one I’ve met who has been affected in this way. Hopefully, you’ll be the last.
I wish I could have been there to stop him for you. Violence feeds on violence. With some people the minute they see their brutal tactics work to get the desired result, it only serves to give them the go ahead to be more brutal. If somebody had been there early on to discourage such behavior, show him early on that he wasn’t going to get what he wants, things might have been different. At any rate, more than anything, it sounds like you could have used someone being on your side so you didn’t feel like you had to bottle things up. Keeping things like this a secret, keeping it from whatever friends you had at the time, from your parents, makes it all the more acute. You feel like you’re alone in this and you don’t have anyone to comfort you. That feeling of isolation is a nasty aftershock to the initial incident. Even after the bruises, that feeling of you vs. the world lingers, often to the detriment of your life afterwards.
I know you’ve probably put it behind because it happened awhile ago. But, in case you need some encouraging words, remember two things. One, it’s not your fault. It has nothing to do with who you were as a person back then. No matter how much you may have talked back, been a brat, or whatever else, nothing is worth being caused pain to such a degree. There is no excuse and there is nothing you should ever blame yourself for. Two, as difficult as it may sound, this shouldn’t define you. You were a victim then. You’re not now. You sound like you’ve got a lot more going for you and that should be what you concentrate on, a mindset I think you’ve already adopted. Don’t let this be the reason you fail at anything or the reason you give up on anyone.
You’ve got to care enough to allow for being hurt, even if you’ve been hurt pretty badly before. Not everyone is going to be cruel and not everyone is going to cause you suffering. There are going to be people who will only want to see you succeed, who only want to make you happy, and who only want to bring out the best in you. You’ve got to care enough to allow them the opportunity to do all these things for you.
Labels: Advice, Atonement, Friendship, Predjudice