I Hope You Know, I Hope You Know, That This Has Nothing Do With You, It's Personal, Myself And I, We've Got Some Straightening Out To Do

--"Big Girls Don't Cry (Personal)", Fergie

three eight

toby: the blank stare
that you see in the mirror
when you want to smile.
~dw

----

I don't carry a courage stone in my pocket wherever I go. I don't believe in bravery being a product of experiences. When I do something it's more often done out of fear than out of courage. That's why I let Jack go. Because I was afraid that I wasn't ready to accept what he was offering. It wasn't a courageous decision. It wasn't born of determination. I did not know what else to do. ¶You spend enough time with someone, you start to see what their hopes for the future are. I started to see who Jack was becoming even before he did. I saw he had expectations for a life spent in my company. That was never going to be. I'm too screwed up inside to plot anything right now. He's what I want. For now. But who's to say what I would want in a few years' time? Notice. There's nothing to say he'd want me either in that time. ¶Rather than risk future disappointment, I'd give up present happiness. I took my shot with him and had a couple of great months. It would have only been downhill from here. I know it. ¶That's the part that eats me up inside. How I can justify all these decisions to remain afraid and alone. I fear sometimes I'm so screwed up emotionally that I'll always opt to be that person. I'm a bird in a cage who doesn't know what to do with freedom. So every time somebody like Jack offers me the chance to take wing and fly... I fly right back into my cage. I wouldn't last out there. I know it. ¶I'm glad he's still my friend because, of anyone outside of my household, he's the closest to sussing out what makes me tick. He knows my weaknesses. I've never denied them with him. I know he's hoping that the wheel will come spinning back on us again. And it very well might. I'm glad he's around because when I told him I was letting him go, I had hoped he wouldn't say the same to me. ¶He made me well when I didn't even know I was sick. He comforted me. He guided me. He was the strength that pushed me to the limits of myself. I have never been happier than when he was with me. Believe me, he's the last person I wanted to hurt like this. He's the reason that I think I can make someone happy someday. ¶Just not him. ¶I have a whole box of issues to sort out. Until I do I can't be with him. I can't be with anyone. ¶For someone who likes to smile as much as I do, I sure do put into motion a lot of reasons not to. I thrive on self-deflation so that every moment of joy becomes magnified. That's my m.o. That's the reason I'm still in my cage, because freedom looks awe-inspiring... until you have it. Then it's the heaviest burden you can shoulder.

dw