I Am The Wilderness Locked In A Cage, I Am A Growing Force You Kept In Place, I Am A Tree Reaching For The Sun, Please Don't Hold Me Down
At the end of this month I will be moving from Harbor City to Long Beach. It will be the second time I've moved in 2 1/2 years and the third time overall. It also marks the milestone of being the first time where I won't be having a female roommate. More importantly, it's going to be the first time I'll be moving towards something better as opposed to away from something worse. Up until now each one of my moves has been because I didn't like the situation I had been in. I moved, not knowing what to expect, but hoping that it would be better than what I was leaving behind. That's not the case in this situation. I've loved living with Amber. I've loved my first experience with a real adult job with a real adult place where I wasn't beholden to anyone. I couldn't say that with DeAnn because I still kind of answered to her while we were living together; I still had to run plans and expenses by her. Here, now, it was the first time where I didn't have to check in with anyone or leave a schedule of where I was headed off to. Hell, I didn't even need to explain where and what I was doing, even after being gone for weeks at a time.
If anything the only place holding me back while I've been here was me. I had all the freedom in the world, something that I always thought I was lacking, and I didn't have the slightest clue as to where to direct it. I wasted a lot of time staying home, playing it safe, and basically being the same person I was when I was living with my parents and when I was living with DeAnn. With them I thought it was them keeping me home because it was too much of a hassle to check in all the time. For the same reason I don't often say hello or good-bye to people, because I don't like calling attention to myself, I didn't bother trying to stay out late as often as I could or just go like I wanted to. Instead, I opted to stay home more often than not simply because the excursion wasn't worth the effort explaining it later on. Sure, I went out more on my own and for longer than I ever have before--flying half-a-dozen times to Boston, once to Chicago with Breanne, once to Louisville to visit Toby, and just recently going up to San Francisco to see Jenny--without ever telling a single soul what my plans were, but there were also a ton of times where I didn't do much because I didn't feel like doing much.
I'm hoping this move will change all that. I'm hoping that the new scene with the new roommate will open me to the level I originally intended myself to get to. I mean--I liked the fact that Amber were both quiet kind of folk while we were sharing the space here. But that also meant that we didn't get to know and interact with one another as much as I would have liked. We hardly went anywhere together or hung out. In fact, I think I can count the number of times we actually did that on one hand or barely two. That's a lot my fault. I don't exactly invite new friendships if I can avoid it. I'm very first-impressions oriented and there are fewer and fewer individuals who make a good impression on me. I like doing what I like doing and the people I find in those places are the ones I tend to hang around the most. I don't like trying other people's interests if it isn't already isn't my interest. That's why I think she and I never did too many things together. I was already set in my ways and somebody new wasn't going to change that.
please don't hold me down
However, my new roommate and I enjoy a lot of the same things, which I'm hoping means that it'll get me out of the house more with other people. I've down the whole doing what I like by myself for awhile now. And I've down the whole hanging out with the same people from Bally's and people I know from Rilokiley.net for awhile now. I've also been seeing the same set of faces at my weekly board game meetings. It's time I was introduced to a new crowd, doing things I normally wouldn't do. It's time I step out of my comfort zone.
Some of my first posts here regarded the lack of excitement in my life and how I was planning to change that. And, while I've certainly lived through a lot of close calls and rather interesting experiences in the last four years, as Breanne would say, "that ain't nothing, sugar." It's not nearly enough. I should've done more. I could've done more. Like I said, these last 2 1/2 years the only person holding me back was me.
At the end of this month I'm putting forth the effort to let myself go even more and get on with the business of doing whatever the fuck I please and not just the same 'ole same 'ole.