I'm Releasing My Heart, And It's Feeling Amazing, There's No One Else That Matters, You Love Me, And I Won't Let You Fall, Girl

--"Forever", Chris Brown

By the Lake by Herself

so she sits with the
sun on her shoulders, silver
gown falling off her
shoulders like airy whispers.

so she wonders what
the silver scarecrow she calls
her sister will be
once she's able to exhale.

so there's the lake, waves
turning over; so there's the
cake, rippled and white;
so there's the trouble anew.

so she stands alone,
neighbored by tables of friends,
chairs of family,
and wonders what's the meaning.

then they lose their lips
in each other and she sees
what guise forever
may don for her sake as well.

dw

----

There are days when I feel unfortunate to have been born last in my family, when it really eats me up inside that I'll be the last to experience just about everything. I know it's a common refrain among the youngest children, but it's a refrain that I never thought I'd be singing myself. I was always happiest when I was trailing in Tattie's and Chopper's footsteps. Like our namesakes I was content to blindly skip along behind my Scarecrow and Tin Man playing their Dorothy. They knew the road because they had travelled it years before me. Who was I to argue with such hard-fought experience? For much of my life I couldn't imagine myself wanting anything different than what they had.

But lately I've been wondering if it's all going to be milk and cherries the way it was for them. I've been wondering if the same conceits, the same pleasures, are going to be what fulfill me in the end. I have a feeling that what they wanted to make out of their lives isn't going to be the same brass sculpture I want to make out of mine. I'm already beginning to see that I might have a different treasure map to follow when it comes to planning out my ultimate adventure--my last crusade, if you will.

And from what little I've experience so far--and it has been little--I'm not so sure the whole wrapping myself up in the cocoon of love and marriage and kids and family and commitment is going to fit all right in. What little I've experienced of the fruit of passion has left with a somewhat bitter aftertaste in my mouth. I know I haven't experienced everything every man, young or old, has to offer, but it hasn't left me rearing to charge the gates all that soon again. For now I'm content to play the wary bystander, blithely picking her battle to engage in but not finding much to engage her just yet. I'm not saying I've given up on the prospect of love as much as it's shifted in priority for me for the time being. I have other matters to attend to. Other sirens are calling out delftwaves' name.

Still, I can't help but think of Nora and Harry's wedding and how happy they looked. That was a day I was glad to be last in line. It gave me the chance to see what my future might be like in six or seven years when I get to be Nora's age without having to go through all the bullshit. It was refreshing to see the prize at the end of the race and not just the course itself. Maybe, perhaps, possibly, it might've been enough incentive to get me to swing the needle of true love's compass back northward someday.

I can't guarantee it, I can tell you that much. But it's still nice to know what's waiting out there in the jungle should I ever decide to brave its breaches again much later in the future.

Stay tune. I still have hope for my love life yet. LOL

dw