You Loved Me 'Cause I'm Fragile, When I Thought That I Was Strong, But You Touch Me For A Little While And All My Fragile Strength Is Gone

--"Gravity", Sara Bareilles

Silly Toto

the spread of the cards
in my sister's fingers reminded me
of a seashell found on the beach
when I was ten. (I hear the ocean.)
watching them being dealt
was like those times of her counting out
change for me when I needed money
for hot lunch. (I was always hungry.)
the way the cards felt in
my palms was like the back seat
of her car when she would treat
me out for ice cream. ("Smile for a scoop...
you know the rules.")
listening to her tell me that
it's my bet took me back to when she
used to yell at me to get ready for
services at church. (I was never a squirmer.)
seeing her take the last bit
of my meager reserves reminded
me what it was like to be the younger
sister once more. (Silly Toto.)

dw

----

Denial was never my strong suit. I try to never hold myself back or push myself forward. I feel what I feel when I feel it. That's me.

That's not my sister Nora. Where I've always been the quiet, contemplative one and Faye's always been the loud, popular one, Nora's the sweet one. Nora has always been the mothering one, keeping us younger sister in line. Especially to me. Gosh. It's only a wonder why she even took an interest in me at all. I'm not just the younger sister; I'm the youngest sister. I'm almost a full six years younger than her. Yet despite the age difference she always made it her business to make me feel like I mattered to the family. Faye? Faye's more mercurial than all of us so there were times where I uniquely felt that I wasn't welcome in her company. But, Nora? Nora made me feel like I was appreciated even when she was teasing with me, even when she was bickering with me, I can tell you that much.

With her married now I'm beginning to feel like she is fading away from this family and fading into her own more. I know the transition is necessary, natural even. However, I get the distinct impression that it will be a transition that will have an unfortunate ending for me. I know I talk a mean talk about being self-sufficient. I know I've preached about not postponing joy and little gifts in little packages. But even I have a few stumbling blocks when it comes to essential components to my happy life. I don't care what else I lose or gain--I know I need my family within shouting distance. Even if I don't talk to them for weeks or months at a time, I like the security. I'm a survivor. I can put up with a lot and still remain stoic throughout the experience.

What I cannot abide is the notion that my support system will be gone someday. I'm a strong, young woman, capable of persevering when I have to and thriving whenever and wherever possible. But I'm only as strong as the shoulders that have boosted me up this far for this long. Without them, without her and the rest of my beloved, who's to say how powerful my will is after all. That much I cannot tell you.

dw