Take Me Out Tonight, Because I Want To See People, And I Want To See Life

--"There Is a Light That Never Goes Out (cover)", The Ocean Blue

Dear Emily,

You can't regret the way a relationship ended nor wish things had gone differently. I've found that relationships are what they are, from start to finish. The only thing you can do is accept them for everything they meant to you, good or bad, and try to learn from them so the next one goes a little bit smoother. I know you were trying to help him, but sometimes I think people do themselves a disservice when they resume contact with their exes too soon. You know me, I'm a huge believer in maintaining some distance with somebody you've broken up with recently to evaluate where the two of you stand and where the two of you can go from there. For some of us, like you, the need to mother somebody overrides the basic idea that the two of you didn't work out for a reason. That reason doesn't disappear simply because you feel needed.

Sometimes you can't pull out of the spiral until it's too late and no amount of assistance is going to change the point when you pull yourself out. I think he's just that kind of person who'll accept help even if, in the end, that help doesn't really change anything for him. The only way to get yourself out of funk is, like it or not, to physically crawl your way out of it. You can't be dragged, you can't be pushed, and you certainly can't have your hand held while somebody gently dries you off. It isn't a cake walk leading a happy life. It isn't supposed to be easy getting some or all of what you want. You're going to fall. The best thing you can do is not drag somebody down with you... or, in some people's case, is not to let other people drag you down with them.

The sad thing is I know exactly what you mean about all you want is someone to curl up next to and tell them how your day want. That's what I want too. I've never been the type to sleep with dozens of women. I've only slept with four girls... and two of those were only once or twice. The other two were people I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life. That's what made those times special. Frankly, I always thought the part afterwards, the part where the two of you are all sweaty from making love and just fall asleep in each other's embrace was the better part of the night. There's a comfort there that just barely edges out the excitement and earth-shattering passion of sex. Give me a night of just getting lost in another person's quiet caress as you rest next to each other over a whole night of unbridled fucking any time.

I want the meatloaf and potatoes too. I want the girl next door as opposed to the girl from the clubs or the bars. I want the suburban mom over the big city fashionista. I want the quiet, simple life over the stress of a high maintenance existence. I want to be in my routine already and not struggling to figure out what comes next.

I guess I'm lucky in that regard compared to you. I may have lost my one best chance at finding that perfect wife, but I never did lose my best friend. I made sure that even when she got married we didn't drift apart. I made sure that I didn't let my feelings of being hurt and abandoned by her cloud my judgment in what a truly good thing I have with her. And, for her part, she didn't let her stupid husband dictate to her who she can and cannot still be friends with. There isn't a day I don't miss what I once had with her, how intimate and romantic and just darling we used to be with one another. But that's just the ex-boyfriend talking. The part that's still her best friend hasn't gone more than eight months without her company and doesn't plan on fucking that any time soon.

I know what it's like to lose her already. There is nothing--no fight, no difference of opinion, no request--too big to lose sight of what losing her forever would mean. And, frankly, I'm too much of a coward to find out. There's a lot of people who've told me that it's unhealthy to put so much stock into one person. That it's unhealthy to treat her like she's my best friend and my little sister wrapped up into one... but that's exactly like she feels to me, like she's both my one true friend and family at the same time. There's people that have told her that it's unhealthy to keep in touch with me as much as she does, given our history and given she's nine years into her marriage almost. I don't know--we just make it work--because we made a promise to make it work and we both put in the extra effort to see that it does.

Yeah, that brings its own set of problems. For instance, I don't know if I'll ever be able to really fall in love with someone again. I mean--I dated DeAnn for three years and lived with her for one. I kept running into the problem that whatever was lacking in our relationship I could always find in Breanne. I kept running into the concern that on the days when putting up with the gal I was with was too difficult I always had a place to run to with the gal I used to be. Maybe that's not a good thing, to have an easy, dependable way out of dealing with problems that truly needed dealing with. BUt that's my life. She's my crutch. And even if for some reason I could ever want to walk on my own, it's gotten to the point where I think I've forgotten how. It's gotten to the point where I think I would cease to function properly if I didn't know I could call her if I was in trouble or lonely or just feeling out of it on any particular given day. It's gotten to the point where I don't actively look to date people because I get a lot of the comforting and care I need from a gal who lives thousands of miles away from me. And perhaps it's not all I want or deserve... but it's enough for me to live on. She's like my bread and water, when I know there could be real food and drink out there somewhere but I'm just too scared to spend all the days it would take to search for it.

And I know what you mean about Taylor. Jennifer was my Taylor. I didn't know her as long as you knew Taylor, but she made an impact on my life in the brief time that I knew her. She was just good. Not just a good person. She was like goodness personified. I never had a bad day with her. I never had a huge fight with her that I can remember. I never saw myself being annoyed she was my friend even for a second.

I lose friends so quickly. Technically, I give up on friends so quickly. It doesn't take much for me to give them up when they do the littlest thing to annoy me. I stopped being friends with everyone in my elementary school after I went to high school even though they all lived in the same town as me because I didn't want to make the effort to stay in touch with them. I lost my high school friends because I refused to adapt to the way they had grown up. To me their mature interests was not what I had signed up for and I felt like they never wanted to do anything I liked. They wanted to go snowboarding, when all I ever wanted to do was stay at home and play games like we used to. They wanted to go to strip clubs, and I just wanted to go find some place to eat and talk over dinner. They wanted to be different people and I just wanted to be the same person I was and always have been. They just made me feel stupid for staying the same or for having simpler tastes or for liking quieter, more subdued hobbies. But there were others I quit out on for stupid reasons. I quit on Heidi because she wrote bad letters (true story). I quit on Ilessa, for a time, because she moved away from me. I don't know--I've always taken it hard when people move away from me. If you've always lived far from me, that's fine. But if you're a nearby friend, well, then you should stay a nearby friend. I don't know how to make the conversion from one to the other. On the other hand, I would have loved to have one of my faraway friends like B. or Toby just move somewhere close to me. Just once I want to see somebody I'm friends with move to California.

And, I know when a girl's been crying because I always seem to be the person girls come to when they're feeling hurt or alone or scared. I never joke when it comes to a girl crying. I don't have that mechanism where I deflect the tension with humor. When I see a girl crying I want to know what's wrong. I want to know what I can do to help. I want to know how to make it better as soon as possible. I wasn't raised that way. I wasn't taught that. It's just a peculiarity of mine that a girl is downright beautiful when she's crying... and yet I hate to see beautiful things hurt.


there is a light that never goes out

I hope you find happiness soon, Slicks. You do deserve it. We all deserve it. We're all good people and, you're right, good things should happen to good people. I think what it is is it's a simple fact that we all have to go through the rough times before we're ready for the better times. We have to go through the heartache and the loneliness and the yelling, before we know how to smile again. Sometimes we have to experience colder weather to appreciate the sunshine as much as we should.

Hold in there, the sun will come out tomorrow, Slicks. I promise.

Yours Swimmingly,
mojo shivers