This Is A Happy End, Cause You Don't Understand, Everything You Have Done, Why's Everything So Wrong

--"New Soul", Yael Naim

Maybe the world doesn't end with a bang. Maybe the world doesn't end at all. Instead of death I'd prefer if my life ended in stillness--if I could go to sleep one day and the world froze in its place for eternity. That's a concept I can back. Rather than the hellfire or the silver clouds I would prefer the constant state of neutrality. Neither overjoyed or suffering, resting in the arms of something in the middle is where I'd like to be.

It isn't because I fear death or because I despise life. I've simply come to a point in my existence where I'm realizing that where we end up shouldn't be a topic of contemplation. We all end up where we end up, and while I believe in God and Heaven and all that, I'm tired of trying to live up to a standard that nobody can be entirely sure of. And it's not because I especially espouse hedonism or minimalism, or any specific brand of philosophy. What I believe in is what makes me smile and what I can do to make others smile. All the rest is folly. That's why I'm taking it upon myself to forgo from this point forward any grandiose central statement that sums up what I believe in a few words. Don't postpone joy--that's less a philosophy than a mission statement. It's not what I believe; it's my occupation. From this point on I'll focus my strength on living through as much as I can than what I can accomplish before I die.

I don't want the happy ending. I don't want the sad ending. I just want a good story throughout. I want to take my cue from music or poetry that doesn't so much end with a complete thought, but rather a hypothetical upon occasion. Or maybe I want to take my cue from nature. A forest doesn't tell a story. Therefore, it has no ending. An ocean doesn't follow a discernible narrative structure. It just is.



Gosh. I just want to be.

I don't want to be tied to convention. I don't want to follow the plan. I don't want to have a plan. I want to live life like one of my poems. It's as simple as that. I want to stop and start. I want to abandon words altogether if the thought feels incomplete. I want direction to be an afterthought and emotion to be the prime motivation for everything. I want to feel, to feel, to feel, rather than live, breathe, think, or grow. I want to be timeless and still. I want to be nothing but nothing, rather than feel pressure to be someone or somebody's someone. I want to care about everything you're not supposed to care about and nothing about the things you are. I want to lose my sense of progress. I want to lose my sense of failure. I want to lose hope and regret and comparing where I was to where I am to where I will be.

To be still forever, that's how I want it all to end.

dw