On And On And On We Go, Just Like A Carousel That's Lost Control, And We Don't Know Why, We Don't Know Why, We Go And Go And Go In Circles

--"Carousel", Paper Route

Someone once said that life is bigger than you. I've always envisioned that in some respects I may just have been bigger than it. After all, when you're in the midst of living your life, when you're in the middle of what some would term a successful career, you don't always have the means to slow down and contemplate how there is so much more out there for you. All you know is all you know. You forget to concern yourself with the rest of the world that doesn't involve you in it.

Hell's bells, if there is anything I have a reputation for I reckon it's being someone who holds a spotlight to herself. That's the thing about holding yourself up for all the world to see, you don't always have the wherewithal to see out into the world. I play my part and hold a breath while waiting for the applause. You don't take stock of the audience watching you, except to gauge their reaction. You don't suss out what they're going on in their own life. You don't take the time to worry about their concerns--not like you would for the folks you feel close to. I can honestly see that about myself, how I put the world at large as there to acknowledge me and not vice-versa.

However, it's recently been pointed out to me that I may lead a semi-charmed life where I never really had to depend on other as others had to depend on me. I've always been the caregiver. I've always been the rock. So it's never fallen to me to understand what it's like to have concerns and no one to turn to. I've never had the misfortune to be adrift in this world alone. I've had family and friends at my beck and call whenever I needed to beckon or call.

And that was my life.

But as I've gotten older I've realized that maybe the ride I'm on isn't exactly the only ride in the park, you know? I've been so busy going around the merry-go-round with the same circle of folks riding alongside me that I've never really experienced the novelty of what life has to offer. I imagine I've never really been single, never really been on my own. I lived in my parents' house until I went to college. I started dating my husband my third year at college. There hasn't been a period of life where I've truly roughed it in one place for a lengthy duration. As much as I moan about being independent and being the boss, I reckon I've always surrounded myself with company. You can't be in charge if you have nobody to be in charge of, you know? I don't know what it's like to only be fending for myself without the luxury of somebody to support me at a moment's notice.

The way I see it now, though, is that that's not always going to be the case. There's going to be a point in time where I really need to start living for me and start seeing what else there is to this world. For while I'll always have Greg around and Fanny and Patrick, the days are slowly evolving where I'm not so much in their lives as I used to be. By extension they're not always in my life like they used to be either. Frankly, there are more days where it's just Greg and I home alone than days where somebody's interests come intruding into mine.

While that does make me a bit sad, it's not a sadness that I'm entirely fighting. What use is there in fighting the inevitable? I rather welcome it. It's brought me to the realization that all the time I've spent going back to the well of the familiar and the comfortable I could have spent seeking something new, something novel. The well's always going to be there regardless of how often I drink from it. I say it's high time I start trekking off on my own without the safety of the water nearby. It's time to explore the wilderness of my life and find new sights that might astonish or amaze me. It's time to wander the world and perhaps let a bit more of the world wander into me.

It's time to get off this carousel for a bit and try a new ride.

Breanne