You See I've Forgotten If They're Green Or They're Blue, Anyway, The Thing Is What I Really Mean, Yours Are The Swetest Eyes I've Ever Seen
Seventh anniversary and you don't think I was going to come back for this?
I know it's been awhile. And for awhile there I wasn't sure I was going to come back. We both needed a break from each other. While I don't know if two months is quite the respite that the situation calls for I know that the wait has seemed like forever. I don't know if you feel any better about me or if this just seems like a pathetic attempt to weasel my way back into your good graces, but it is what it is. I've never feigned being okay just for appearance's sake and I've never kept silent when I felt like I had important thoughts to convey.
My message to you is simple. You can't say I don't miss you or I don't care. I do care. A lot. I don't know how to make that any more clearer to you without speaking to you in person. You don't seem to want to hear it on the phone. You say it's not appropriate to have this discussion with you through e-mail. So this is the only respite I have. And maybe that's the problem we seem to be facing. Despite everything, you're finding out the hard truth that Breanne and I ran into a long time ago. Sometimes me being over here and you being over there isn't the best of situations. It's not really conducive to building anything substantial. I believe you're running into the wall where you realize that the time together truly is miniscule compared to the time apart we'll have. It's sad. It's also true.
When you told me you love me I was flattered. I don't often have that said to me. Every opportunity to receive that particular ego boost is a welcome boon. I can tell by your inflection that you truly meant it. And when I said it back to you I know I meant it. The problem lies where the definition of love falls for both of us. I love you like a niece or a good friend, or maybe someone I flirt with but never quite get serious with. I don't know--somewhere in the back of my mind I just never pictured us being serious someday. Maybe Breanne spoiled me or I'm just exhausted at the effort it would entail to give you what you want. I just know that in my current mindset I don't look upon us as a couple. And when you say you love me I can hear the romance in the catch of your throat because, believe me, I've been there too. I know what it's like to hope that all the snags and tears will work themselves out. I know what it's like to believe that love can conquer all. And I know what it's like to be let down when you find out it cannot. I've been down those roads too.
I'm not saying this to hurt you.
I'm not saying this to be cruel.
The last thing I'd want to do is drive you away, Toby. I care about you in a way that I don't know how to describe to you. I think you're smart. I think you're beautiful. I think you're talented. And I think you get me in a way few others really do get me. There's a big part of me that would like nothing better to fall madly, deeply in love with you and make all your dreams come true. But short of you coming to California permanently or me winning the lotto and have the money to just shuttle back and forth from the midwest I don't see us happening. I'm set in my ways. And that means I don't want to move unless it's a sure thing. And, fuck, if it wasn't a sure thing with Lucy then you can only imagine how I see our chances together.
You told me once that you don't get how I can get so enamored of people who lived so far away from. You didn't understand how smitten I can become about somebody I didn't really hang out with all the time. Well, now you know, because it's happened to you. For my part, it was easy to get wrapped up in you with your winning smile, your cautious outlook on life, and your eye for beauty in the simplest acts and sights. It was easy to just lose myself in your one-of-a-kind perspective on life. And, yeah, fooling around with you on my last trip kind of sealed the deal on what I suspected about my feelings for you. But I never meant to lead you on or give you false ideas about where I saw us headed. I just liked being in your company. Very often I don't know where to draw the line between keeping things safe and keeping things headed down a course that will lead to heartache and tears. I wanted to love you. I still do. But something tells me that, yet again, you're quite like me and aren't looking for the casual relationship I seemed to have been offering you. Something tells me, that like me, you've placed far too much stock in how we are "here" on-line, across the country, as to how we'll be in "reality". And I just don't know how good I've ever been able to translate taking that connection from phone calls and texts to the holding hand and kissing bits. It doesn't always work out. And there's a reason why most cases are the exception to the rule and not the rule itself.
I'm just sorry you had to go to Breanne about this, visit her down in Macon, instead of coming to me. I'm just sorry that I had to hear about it secondhand instead of you personally. And I'm just sorry it lead to what was a difficult time for this site. This site's supposed to be about our personal life; our personal lives aren't supposed to lead to the site being on hiatus because certain people can't seem to get along. You don't want that, right? And I certainly don't want that. If anything, it should have lead to further discussion here and not less.
As aforementioned I'm not looking to hurt your feelings. I really do love you and I do care what you feel for me. But you're a big girl now, Toby, and I want to treat you as such. Sulking and blockading yourself off from me isn't the way we solve our problems. And threatening to give up on me doesn't feel so much like an ultimatum to me as you being kind of bratty. I'm glad you're finally heeding my advice and letting yourself show a little more of what's going on inside. That's a good thing. But having feelings is one thing, how you act upon is the true content of your character. Frankly, I don't want to be the reason you're unhappy. But I'm also not going to be the way who smoothes everything over by myself. Reconciliation between any two people requires participation from both parties. The only reason you don't want to engage me in a dialogue is if reconciliation isn't your ultimate goal. And I really hope that isn't true.
Despite what you may think of me, I don't want to lose you. Not at all.
I would miss those eyes. And I would miss that smile too much.
You're important to me, Marion. You're important to me in so many ways, the least of which is you're the one person I can come to about Breanne when I don't want to come to Breanne about her. You've always been the outlet for some of the darker feelings I've had about my family and friends. I mean--Breanne is great in a lot of ways--but you and I share that succinct gift for wanting to be left alone some of the time. She doesn't understand that mentality like we do. Not only that, but you're the one person I can come to about understanding what it's like to live in a world where nobody watches over you when you make mistakes, where no higher power is watching over us to make everything better. You get my feeling of isolation. You know what that's like.
You're important to me, Toby. You fill my days with the idea that I can still matter to someone so much that it hurts. I mean--with my family, with all my old friends, their love is a given. But with you, with us having met only recently comparatively, it still warms my heart that I can induce such grandiose feelings in someone new. It makes me feel like I've still got it. That I've still got the mojo working--so to speak. You love me in a way that's pure and youthful and exciting, and who doesn't want that in their life?
You're important to me, Toby, in all the ways that I should tell you about everyday. I know I forget to do that sometimes. It's easy to grow complacent when you believe that certain people will stay in your life through the long haul. But if telling you that you're easily one of my most favorite people on the planet, easily one of my most beloved treasures, gets you to stick around then that's what I want to tell you, little Marion. I want to tell you that because it's the truth and because I believe it, and not just because I'm scared of you leaving me like so many others. I want to tell you that because I want you to know everything I'm feeling about--both the good and the bad. I want you to know that because, even now, I still harbor no ill will towards you.
I want you to know that because I love you. And I miss those eyes.
Whether they're more green or blue today. LOL